Why plumbers drive nice trucks

It's a dark lonely night. Just you and the television. Then the room is bathed in a blinding kaleidoscope of colors and happy, gay music comes from the speakers. The pleasant voice intones, Plumbing problems? Call us, no extra charge for night and weekend service. Best rates, on your doorstep in 60 minutes or less. You fade away into a comfortable sleep.

Our hero, who successfully cleared the stubborn downspout plug with miraculous ease was not so lucky in pursuit of the dribbling water heater. The word misorient springs to mind here.

When the currently occupied mansion was inspected, a slight deficiency was reported about the water heater. Two actually. The earthquake bracing wasn't to terribly sturdy but it was after all there and from the legal perspective, good enough. Recommend replacement. Yes, it's on the list of things to do when nothing else exciting is planned. More important the fact that the cold and hot lines are leaking where the copper flex screws onto the galvanized water heater lines.

A quick trip to the hardware store and our hero returns with 2 galvanized pipes, 2 flex tubes with nuts on both ends and a propane torch kit. But alas, removal of and Teflon taping of said joints eliminates the more risky heat removal method.

Time passes. Hot water line gets cold, gets hot, gets cold. It leaks.

Simply procedure. Turn off water, drain some hot fluid from tank, remove fittings wrap with Teflon tape and a job well done. Begin task at 6PM Wednesday night. Turn on water. Still leaks. Hum, must be a bad washer, go to hardware store. Interesting, don't have any 14" flex pipes with sleeve on one end, but do have washers. Special washers. $2.15 for a twin pack washers. Sigh of relief, victory is at hand. Rush home to install. Remember the kitchen faucet struggle and how to not make connection to tight. Finger tight, all water to run into heater, escaping air, tighten fitting with 2 foot pipe wrench. No, Bob Vila didn't leave his truck outside and Norm is already in bed. Still leaks.

Unscrew fitting, wrap with electrical tape. Tighten down connection tight enough that the wrench won't turn any more. Probably now have ruined the washer so I can't take it back. Still leaks. Wrap the entire assembly with electrical tape. Looks good. After all, won't take long for the deposits in the hot water to plug this tiny leak. Alas, tis not to be. Small droplets of water are visible.

While removing the fitting one more time, notice that the nut is cracked. Oops. To the yellow pages to find a plumber. They're all busy, first thing in the morning the nice man says. The not pleasant woman says, first man that can get to you will be around 11PM and we charge $110 an hour and 1 hour minimum. Now you know why plumbers drive around in nice new trucks and talk on cellular telephones.

Our hero speaks with a nice plumber who will be out at 8:15 in the morning. Our hero sleeps fitfully after explaining what exactly is broken and what precisely should be on the truck the next morning.

Bright and early plumber is at the mansion. Looks at the heater and says, I don't have the right parts.

Time passes.

Plumber returns. Much banging and clanging in the garage. Sixty minutes lapse on the Mickey meter. Vatican says, Good Catholics don't get married at Disneyland.

Nice new flex tube installed. Comes out of the wall horizontal, makes a nice fluid bend, perpendicular to the wall and in firmly attached to the water heater with pipe dope and Teflon tape. Yes, pipe dope, like they used to do it in the old days.

When the heater was originally installed, the pipe from the wall was to short. Instead of the nice square functionality, it was bent down on an angle to attach to the heater. Hence, the flange did not mate correctly and the plastic sleeve allowed water out. Aggravated by the constant heating and cooling of the water in the pipe.

Your hero could have easily replaced the parts, but the cost of the parts for the one time repair would have not been cost effective. It would have been cheaper than letting all the water boil out of a pot on the stove. You can't just buy one pot. Well you can. But for the price of one pot you might just as well buy an entire new set. That was, as Dan Rather might say, a damned expensive box of Jell-O.